"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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