we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
