first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We need to get me chipped asap
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
