nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
