Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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