The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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