I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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