WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
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Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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