According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
