i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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