I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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