I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
