trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
