she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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