my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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