I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
