just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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