I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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