when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize