just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
