apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
