I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
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