I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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