I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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