This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
