all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you had me at cake vodka
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
my god I love twenty year old dicks
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
