lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
