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You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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