I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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