Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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