My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
