i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I need moral support for this bender
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
