from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
