The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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