i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
