In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
