My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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