He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
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I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
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I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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