I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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