RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
