he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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