If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
