My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
