dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
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Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
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You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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