why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
