I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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