You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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