watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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