I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
