Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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