So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
