my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
