Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
