I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I got inside last night via doggy door
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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