and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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