Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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