I have demons in me.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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