You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
