I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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